Why You Are Not Straight

Time for some truth for all my hyper masculine men and fragilely feminine women of the world.
Heterosexuality is a myth. Sorry to burst your bubble (I am really not though).
If it makes you feel better though, homosexuality, in my book, is equally a load of shit. Sorry my fellow gays but let me explain.

This is probably where I have lost some of you, but just stay with me because I am about to introduce to you the proverbial “red pill” of sexuality (I only recently saw the Matrix and I am still pretty fucking buzzing about it).
That hard to swallow “pill” is known as Queer Theory. Back to the Fucking Gays!!? Yes sir, gotta fucking love us queerios, am I right?

In all honesty, the theory goes a lot deeper than its name but we will get back to that later. So without further ado, let me get on to proving to you in less than 2000 words why you are a lot more “gay af” than you may think.
Do you actually remember the first time you were sexually attracted to someone? I don’t know if it is due to my long history of marijuana use but I honestly do not.
I do, however, remember wondering about sex constantly at a young age. I remember at eleven years old seeing other young girls with “boyfriends” and likening the whole experience to that of shopping for a new and trendy product; I had to have me one of those boy things!

The weird thing is that I had no real idea why I had to have a boyfriend; why it was important for me to walk around with this guy who I maybe liked about as much as I liked to the lasagna served in my adolescent self’s elementary school cafeteria (I enjoyed the meal but I would trade it for a cookie without hesitation).
When I finally managed to catch myself a male companion it began to seem even more strange. What the hell was this supposed to mean? Where does this lead to? What’s the point of it all?
Obviously, this led me to the internet and the internet (obviously) led me to porn.

((Which by the way is kind of ridiculous. The fact that relationships are immediately associated with sex in our culture is insane. I love sex a lot more than the next person and I do think that sex is something that should be discussed a lot more in our culture however, it becomes a problem when the message to young people is that sex is the priority in your romantic relationships even more than communication, trust, or respect… but I digress.))
My eleven year old ass is searching for porn on my grandmother’s old desktop computer (sorry grams for the virus) and the predominant results are straight white guys getting blowjobs and cumming on something or two girls making out in a fashion more awkward than Melania Trump constantly looks.
I click on all these videos and watch on in innocent amazement, not really turned on, more just interested in the way that bodies seemed to move together. Sometimes in beautiful and harmonious ways, other times in awkward and visibly staged ways but always interesting nonetheless.
As I look back, I think even then I was more interested because I enjoyed the passion displayed or the emotional bonding that sex develops. Everyone involved immediately would become focused on this one thing and that alone, rather the sex was more violent or soft and gentle, and this display calmed my mind a lot more than any episode of Total Drama Island ever could.
Long story short, I broke up with the little boy and developed a mild porn addiction. If I was alone at this age I will bet you all the mugs in my collection (i have A LOT) that I was watching porn, not actively aroused, just watching. That was pretty much my entire middle school life. And obesity but that’s something else.
I have watched so many genres of porn it is obscene so obviously I have to mention some.
Creampies. Incest. Fisting. BDSM. Child/Baby roleplay. Watersports. Voyeurism/ Public play. Orgy. BBW.
The list continues but I will save you any further blushing.
I grew out of watching porn during high school mainly because I was busy being stressed about going to college and what I was going to do with my life but also because as I began to understand emotions more complexly the, more often than not, faked passion became more obvious and less alluring.
No longer watching porn all the damn time, I went back to dating guys and began tutoring peers after class which led to me overhearing some rather interesting comments about sexuality and gender. Usually somewhere on the line of “kill the fags”,“he is a pussy boy” or “she’s just an ugly ass bulldyke”.
Hearing all these comments regularly, I could only be brought back to the days of middle school where I would look at a small screen and watch the beauty of two women making love. I thought about how in some of my favorite videos, a guy would cry out in passion as he was penetrated by a lover, tears falling down his cheek and the words “I love you” whispered into his ear. I could not fathom how any of these actions, regardless of genitals involved, could be met with such hateful spats.
Being a “millennial” (i guess) this led me to activism. I began volunteering at my local LGBTQ community center as an ally and advocate for equality, silently educating myself trying to figure out what the hell was up with me.

I “knew” I was straight because I would be sexually attracted to a guy but I was left confused when I would equally be emotionally attracted to a woman and be romantically attracted to them both at the same time.

Your girl has always been messy.

Anyway, I researched and finally declared myself “officially bisexual”.
I thought I finally had it all figured out, that I like guys and girls equally and everything is sweet and easy.

And then I went to college.
I know this is not everyone’s experience but I think I can easily say I went to school with some of the most attractive people in all of the U.S of A. not too mention rich as hell– my two favorite things in a sex partner.
Joining my school’s queer student alliance ( and attending enough parties, again, another time) I began to realize that not only was I not a “clean and cut” bisexual that liked simply men and women equally, as so few of us are, but that I was capable of feeling sexually, romantically, and emotionally attracted to anyone! Sounds too good to be true, right?

There has to be a catch to all this happy, fun, and experimental sex.

You are right, you’ve caught me.
Here is the catch. I romantically and sexually pursue anyone I am attached to because …. I am attracted to them and want to. 🙂
You (Reader): WHAT!?? You choose to sin with anyone, regardless of gender, just out of meer attraction! You don’t base your sexual activities on society’s notion of sexual orientation or gender identity?!
Nope.
And that, my friends, brings us to Queer Theory.
Queer theory is a set of ideas that raises the question about what identities are and makes the claim that they are ultimately socially fabricated and are not fixed in the way our society often portrays. While a lot of people associate the theory with being akin to lesbian and gay studies, it is essentially different while ultimately still supporting the community from which its name derives.
Queer theory seeks to challenge all ideas of the normal (you see now why I love it) and tell you that your sexual desires are not something you need to keep fixed because the labels that we tie our sexual needs and wants too in this world are of our own making, not any gods.

What does this mean?
Our sexualities and sexual desires do not have to be an old billboard in the middle of Kansas, unchanged, cringey, and mucked up with religious propaganda. Instead, allow your sexuality to be more like a modern electronic billboard, open to new ideas, not set on any one particular thing, and welcoming to all genders of hot underwear model… and fast food.
If you finish reading this and you still feel compelled to call yourself gay or straight or whatever, that is fine. Even myself, if asked, will not typically going into this type of story (imagine) and will instead announce myself as pan-sapio-or bisexual.

Labeling is often easier for quickly communicating our sexual interest and, especially for us gays, can lead to a sense of community with those who express similar sexual desires as ourselves.

For these reasons, as stated, it’s okay to keep your straight boy card (thank black jesus)! The main takeaway is just to be more open minded to sexual experiences because the reality is that your desires are more of a constantly changing spectrum of colors than just a dot on the board.

If you don’t believe me then consider this cute animation by Bill Nye. If there is one person I trust about sexuality, it is the science guy.
Did I blow your mind? Probably not. If you have ever actually taken time out to deeply analyze your sexuality you have probably already come to this conclusion. If that is you, well, thanks for the read and I hope you continue living your life as sexually free as a Bill Nye’s ice creams or the multiply foods of Seth Rogan’s Sausage Party.

For the rest of yous out there, I hope that this post helped you realize that you don’t need to stress yourself out with labels or limitations. But more importantly, I hope you will be a little bit more willing to give that “bro-blowjob” or “scissor sleepover” a try. Let me know if you do 😉
Gio