Mind My Vagina: A Tale of “Too Tightness”

I think my vagina is too tight.

When I explain why I think my front booty is a bit “too tight”, you will understand why that statement is even MORE outlandish than it sounds.

This story will be a lot easier to explain if I start with how I lost my hymen. Yes, my hymen, not my “virginity”. That’s a story for another time.

So…. hello hymen.
I have always been the type of person to research things before I do them. Whether that be what club/pub to go to, how busy the zoo is during certain hours, or, in this case, what to expect when you “pop your cherry.”
While a lot of stories were rather unpleasant to read due to a serious lack of consent or respect from one or both partners, many set up this beautiful scenario of boyfriend and girlfriend dating for a while and deciding to take it to the infamous “next level” in their relationships.
This Her Campus article also supports this idea where they found, of 3,000 college women, about 60% felt ready to lose their hymens when they did and were happy about their participating partner. Even though many, about half, said that it originally hurt that same number said that it “ultimately felt good.”
I’m sure many of you can attest to the study as well and share how your lover ravenously devoured your body like a delicate flower and other Fifty Shades of Grey type shit; maybe just barely remembering the pain.
And then there are the bitches like me.
Women who recount on the whole hymen tearing ceremony with either an impassive neutral shrug or a barely concealed wince, recalling only awkward remarks and waiting for the whole thing to just fucking end.
Mind you, my story is a little different. You see, I have never been one to “wait for the right time.” The right time is whenever I have the most confidence and desire to do something and no reasonable voice around to stop me. With this in mind, it should come as no shock that I last saw the remnants of my cherished hymen on the concrete floors of an oversized closet as I tried to make my barely matched Tinder date leave me in peace to use the facilities. Yeah, not a time I recall with heart eyes.
I will take responsibility for that being a shit show though. I stupidly did not tell my date that I had never been penetrated by a man and was, at the time, sadly not confident enough to be vocal about what I needed to better relax into the moment. But, in my defense, he was shorter in person and his breath smelled like gin and dead earthworms so…. We both fucked up.
After a few minutes of some unsatisfying making out, some suckling of softened nipples, and him trying to play the piano on my clit(not even a skilled pianist), he decided he was hard enough to get on in there.

Now I, never having been with a man before, was truly embodying a virgin. I was not vocal about my lack of attraction at the moment and just decided to throw some packets of lube on his wrapped dick and try to imagine it like putting in a large, floppy tampon.
Oh, boy was I in for a flop.
I tried to slowly ease my way down and let myself adjust while he wanted to Judy Hopps his way into my hole. I felt so incredibly tight like I was a simple innocent straw trying to drink a fucking baby carrot! It could not be avoided; I began to bleed. Something I genuinely did not expect because I was a grown woman with, though limited, experience having things in my vagina from tampons to toys and often that little blood barrier is broken for adult women without penetration. And yet….

Here I was in pain, in a fucking closet, and now bleeding on this innocent guy’s dick. Needless to say, I was ready to be dismissed from the premises by my own (unwarranted) humiliation.
We switched positions and the blood became even more obvious to my partner who, in his defense, constantly asked me if I was okay and if I wanted to stop. But no, I was not having that shit. I did not get myself in this awkward ass situation to not see it through. The awkward and fairly painful fucking continued with him constantly falling out of my unimpressed vagina (which led to me even more awkward giggling. Smh) until he ejaculated into his little penis bag.

I remmeber even then thinking my vagina was a too tight tyrant secretly trying to squeeze this man’s dick to death and feed on its soul. Fortunately for both of us that did not happen.

I did proceed to feed him some “I have never had someone so big” bullshit in defense of my bleeding (men can be clueless) and kissed him goodbye before proceeding to delete his entire existence from my digital life and never speak to him again :-).
Moral: Don’t be like Gio.
Surprisingly, I was fairly pain-free after the experience, no walking with a limp as the rappers say but regardless.
I made so many mistakes because I was too afraid to be honest with myself and my partner about what I needed. I could have experienced something pleasurable with this stranger if I had been honest, and actually been attracted to him, but instead, I just recall it with a more mild embarrassment and maybe a headshake.
Despite how it sounds though, I do not regret my experience, I more regret the way I handled it. But ultimately, I lost my hymen under my own circumstances with someone and somewhere that I chose, something a lot of women cannot say. Additionally, though the experience was less than satisfying, it really taught me to open up to myself sexually. It gave me the confidence to explore myself privately, even more than I had previously. Since that time, I have had some amazing solo experiences and the rarer orgasmic partnered experience that more than make up (to me anyway) for my adolescent faux pas.
Which brings me to where we are now. Phew (never thought that shit would end).

Through my sexual exploration, I have made my way around to kegel. In short, Kegel exercises are the intentional exercising of the pelvic floor muscles. You can find out where your pelvic floor is and how to kegel by simply stopping your urination flow when taking a piss (don’t do this often though because it can lead to urinary tract infections). Kegel exercises are not only good for having more intense orgasms but can also aid in pregnancy, prevent urinary leakage, and even strengthen your core depending on how you kegel.
Intensified orgasms… stronger vaginal muscles… INTENSIFIED ORGASMS!
To a pervert such as myself, this seemed like something I had to hop on… or slide on to, again, depending on how you kegel. And, with LoveHoney, one of my favorite online adult stores, having a deal on sex toys for £10 I found the perfect opportunity to test this whole kegel thing out.
I purchased a purple set of the Lovehoney Main Squeeze Heavy Double Kegel Balls 90g. That’s right, I said 90g.
As much as I would like to say I have the ‘skills to pay the bills’ and could easily crush those two silicon balls into my lips like a squirrel cracking a nut, I cannot. The 90g was a total mistake and case of quick purchasing but the little silicon balls arrived and outside of being too heavy for my weak puss, they were beautiful.
I couldn’t wait to try them in (ha) so I found myself unwrapping them in the bathroom of my apartment and taking a shower to test em’ out. I, with one goal in mind (penetration), used my cute little Lovehoney Bang Bang Clitoral Vibrator and Broad City Mind My Vagina water-based lubricant (from which this blog post title derives from) for a filthy 5 minutes to prep myself.
In my attempt to find pleasure, I fucked up.
I immediately reverted to the girl on the closet floor trying to shove shit up my vagina that she does not want.
Every time I attempted to insert the little silicon balls my walls would clench up like a venus fly trap. I tried again and again, wanting the pleasure to kick in and willing my body to desire something it simply did not.
I gave up and put the kegel balls away before taking another shower of shame. Why did I feel shame? I felt a shame that was underlying in my first experience as well; this embarrassment that something was wrong with me because it did not feel good to be penetrated.

Is my vagina too tight? Will I ever be able to pleasure a partner this way? Is there something wrong with me?
Is that not what so many porn videos, gossip columns, and men tell women about our worth? That we are objects to be penetrated, to be enjoyed without our fulfillment being a priority. With this purpose in mind, it is, even often subconsciously, seen as wrong when a woman cannot find pleasure, and in fact finds pain, in penetrative sexual acts.
Thinking about my worth and developing a mild loathing for my vulva for not being accommodating, I found myself crying in the shower.
For 14.8 seconds.
And then I called bullshit.
My vagina is mine. My body is mine. I do not owe the world or anyone either of them. I am allowed to find pleasure from my body in whatever manner I choose (with the understanding that any involved parties provide consent, duh). If I never want to have anything else up in my poonanny ever again then that is my choice! Period.
Clitoral orgasms are fucking life-changing and don’t let society, the internet, or even that fucker in your bed make you believe that you need something INSIDE OF YOU in order to reach the stars when your Big Bang can be found in the little bud of nerves in between your legs.
This is a new day and age my friends, there are many toys on the market solely for clitoral stimulation and many partners are learning the importance of ‘eating the kitty’.
Even if you do wish to participate in some penetrative sex or play, don’t push yourself to enjoy it. You will either like it or you won’t and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Take your time. I know for me, foreplay might as well be eight-play if you plan on entering the Golden Realm of Genesis. Anyone really worth being there will pay the foreplay fee to enjoy the rides.
You (Reader): what was the purpose of this story? And why in fucking hell would it be your first official post you Jezebel?
Well reader, partially I just wanted to share my awkward sex experiences; you’re welcome. But in totality, I wanted to start off by nurturing the spirit of this blog that boldly declares that WE ARE ALL FUCKING WEIRD. No two vaginas are alike, just like no two people are alike and that is what makes us, and vaginas, so fucking magical! No matter whether you like some solid solo play with silicon bullets or get your rocks off when surrounded by a group of people dressed like cowboys; do what makes you wet friend.